Help your children

Maybe its just the Full Moon getting to me but I almost feel like crying.  I have been talking to many parents who’s kids are in crisis – RIGHT NOW.  I have also been talking to many adults that were once these children and it can take a long time for healing to take place as an adult.  Healing can be much faster in children, but parents need to be doing a few things.

Honestly I’m not even sure where to start.  Most of the time the messages I write are channeled through me to some degree.  This one is hitting more close to home though and I am having a harder time keeping myself out of the message.  So, here it is, I will do my best to ask Spirit to direct my thoughts and writing for you.  This message won’t be for everyone but it has the potential to help many.

Parents – YOU need to keep ‘in touch’ with your child

Often, once kids hit 12-14 years old they start to distance themselves from their parents.  It is a natural evolution for their growth.  One mistake parents make when this happens, is they stop trying to communicate with their kids.  They use excuses like “he doesn’t talk to me”, or “she is never home anymore”, but that is just an excuse.  Do NOT let the tail wag the dog.  Some of you are happy for the break.  Your ‘little one’ is more independent so you have more free time for yourself.

Here is a newsflash!  Even though, at this age, your kids friends are the most important thing in their life, THEY STILL NEED YOU.  They are feeling around and finding out where they fit in to the big scheme of things.  They may distance themselves but it is UP TO YOU to keep the connection with THEM ~ NOT the other way around.

They need you to be engaged, to talk to them, to ask them questions and have an interest in their life.  You need to allow them to make SOME choices, but you also need to make a lot of their choices for them.  You need to teach them how to make good choices and that there are consequences (good or bad), for the choices they make.

If you have laid the groundwork here from a younger age, they will have some respect for you.  If you have parented from guilt or let them get away with murder as a youngster, you are in for a big surprise.

Disempowering your kids

Kids NEED boundaries.  It is not cute when kids hit their siblings (or you).  It is not appropriate to let your kids tantrum and then give in to what they want after 30 minutes of screaming (you taught them that if you have given in).  BE CONSISTENT.  Let them know that yes is yes and no is no.  Do what you say you are going to do, even if it means saying “I don’t know yet, I need to think about it”.  If you don’t your kid will be confused and will do whatever it takes to manipulate you into getting what they want, even if its not good for them.  YES, parenting can be hard, but YOU ARE THE PARENT.  Parent is a verb as well as a noun!

READ THIS POST: Are you labeling your kids

Handling things after a breakup

If your spouse left you, YOUR KIDS WERE NOT NECESSARILY ABANDONED.  It is not fair to your children for you to let them think that one of their parents ‘abandoned’ them.  Shame on you if you have said this around or to your kids.  95% of the time (or more), when a spouse leaves, they either leave the other spouse, or they leave to go to something that they think will make them feel better.  Someone does not leave a relationship when they are comfortable and feel like they are able to grow and be who they are.   Most of the time a spouse leaves a SITUATION, NOT their children.

Do you have any idea how hard it is on a kid when you accuse a spouse (or ex spouse), of abandoning them?  If you have kids and your relationship ends, you must do everything in your power to help your kids be okay.

IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU.   If you are a parent it is about YOUR KIDS.  You took on the responsibility of being a parent, PARENT (verb).

“My kid is depressed, it must be because their dad abandoned them”.  Maybe your kid is depressed because you have been so self-absorbed that you haven’t bothered to listen to them and be present in their lives.  They feel abandoned by TWO parents.  Maybe they are depressed because they have heard you say “their dad must not love them anymore, he abandoned them” a hundred times (on the phone to your friends and family perhaps?).

I have had way too many clients (and people in my personal life), that have created a rift between their children and the parent that left.  For the purpose of this next paragraph I will use ‘dad’ as the one who walked away from the home.

So dad leaves.  Dad tries to keep in contact with the kids but mom is so upset at the breakdown in the relationship and SHE feels abandoned so she projects it onto her kids.  She judges dad for what he is doing now (maybe he’s doing bad stuff, maybe he isn’t, but it doesn’t matter because in MOM’s eyes, anything would be bad).  He is NOT doing what mom wants him to do so therefore he is an asshole that abandoned his family.  Doesn’t even matter if he was dying inside and needed to leave so he could find himself AND SO he could be a better human being in general and a better parent to his kids (from a different physical space).  Nope, doesn’t matter.  He left, he’s a jerk.

If he is in a new relationship look out.  There must be something wrong with her.  She is a wing nut, or has him under a spell, or whatever.  SHE is doing something wrong.  You take every opportunity to let your kids know how horrible she is.  You may call her a skank, or you may call her a liar, or you might pick another word.  IT DOES NOT MATTER TO YOU, as long as your kids don’t have to be around “her”.

Here’s what you need to think about around that.  IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS when you are a parent.  What if your kids meet her and she is really nice to them.  What if your kids actually like her?  Do you have any idea how hard you are making it on your kids and how confusing it will be for them liking someone that their mom has told them is a bad person?  What a lovely thing to put into your kids head.

Heaven forbid, something happens to you and the kids need to go and stay with the other parent.  Or heaven forbid you have screwed up your kids so bad with ‘parental alienation’ that you now need the help of the other parent.  Your kid will not want to even talk to the other parent ~ after all that parent ‘abandoned’ them and they are evil.  DO NOT EVER ALIENATE YOUR CHILDREN FROM THE OTHER PARENT, IT WILL BITE YOU IN THE ASS EVERY TIME!!!!

“My son/daughter ran away from home”

You need to take a good look at what “home” has become.  Did you start ignoring your kid because they were involved with their friends?  Did you start ignoring your kid because ‘you were so sad’ at a breakup?  Did you start ignoring your kids because “your life was hard”.  Like, what the hell.  If you think your life is hard, imagine how hard there’s is when one parent feels the need to leave and parent from afar and the custodial parent ABANDONS them while living in the same house with them.

Parental Attachment

If you want your kids to be okay, you need to have some sort of parental ‘attachment’.  “Attachment” is CREATED BY THE PARENT.  Parents can create attachment by:   having meals (and discussions) with their kids at least a few days a week;  by making sure that when the kids leave the house, or come home, you engage with them, don’t just let them walk past you and do whatever they want;  doing family things like playing cards, going camping, watching a movie or pretty much anything that focuses on ‘together family’ time.  NO PHONES, NO COMPUTERS, NO TEXTING, NO SOCIAL MEDIA.  Just you and your kids, engaging.

If your kids seem to not want to engage with you, you have to insist.  Talk about the weather, sports scores, the grass growing ~ it doesn’t matter what you talk about as long as its not your problems or how hard you have it in life (teaching your kids that blame is okay and disempowering your kids is NOT a good thing).

If you and your child have this ‘attachment’ it will be much easier to help them through their challenges because they will ‘want to please you’ (even if it is subconsciously).   If you have no attachment and you haven’t done at least some of the things listed above, the fights will be worse, your child will disconnect from you and you will have a child that says “F*ck You” when you finally try to ‘fix them’.

You will be so detached from your child that they will have very little respect for you and when they have a problem you won’t be able to ‘help’ them through it because of that lack of respect and attachment.  They will perceive anything that you do to ‘help’ them, as a threat and as something you are doing ‘to them’ rather than ‘for them’.  (Much like the way you feel when you blame the ‘outside world’ or the ‘other parent’ for ruining your life ~ your child will blame you for ruining yours).

If your focus is on THEM more than it is on you, they will be able to connect with YOU.  If they try to please you and you are still stuck in your own self pity, they will stop trying to please you and they will leave.

 

 

I am not a psychologist, I am an energy worker.  I feel.  I feel your pain and I feel the pain that emanates from our young people.

If you think I can help you with counselling FOR YOU so you can help your kids you can contact me here.